Warning: The following is a parody. It is meant to bring awareness to the absurdity of events taking place in our industry. All characters, (real or fabricated) and their quotes, etc are fictitious. Please don’t get me suspended or fired like the newspaper guy who tweeted fake info about Rothlisberger! Enjoy!!!
September 7th, 2010
Following the lead of the video industry, the People for the Copy Protection and Quality of Music (PCPQM) released today that they will be campaigning for an analog sunset of outputs on audio gear.
Jim Tos and Sean Paul Dif, (inventors of the Tos-link and SPDIF connectors) lead up the group and its efforts. PCPQM’s mission statement concludes that “The only way the music industry can truly protect the quality and integrity of their art form is to limit the transfer of 128 kbit/s files to digital only cables.”
Their proposal would require headphone jacks on digital music players to kill the line level signal that allows people to use the jack in conjunction with a 3.5mm to 2 RCA adapter and input into a stereo for playback. New digital audio devices (DADs) will be 3x as wide, to incorporate the Toslink and SPDIF output options. Apple will be introducing the new Nano replacement with this feature in December, which will aptly be called the Mega. “These devices represent Apple’s future. They are definitely not your dad’s DADs”, said Jobs.
Playback on existing devices would be facilitated through the USB connection instead, providing a digital connection, but this feature will not be available on devices made after January 2011.
As for other devices like phonographs, all new vinyl would come with an extra groove that encodes an “Audio Constraint Signature” (ACS). This groove would tell the phonograph to kill all analog transmission of music, and output only via the digital jacks. Products from China are already hitting the market that include liquid vinyl and a syringe, allowing a consumer to “fill” the ACS groove on their records and keep the analog outputs in tact. PCPQM has already asserted that once their Analog Sunset is passed into law, they will be prosecuting anyone that purchases such a device that defeats the ACS protocol. “We will come down with a heavy hand” said Tos.
There are some opponents to the PCPQM proposal. One such audiophile stated “This measure will make my tube amplifier nearly obsolete.”
However the new generation seems unphased. “The concern about this analog sunset in audio is really kinda lame. I mean most of my friends use their iPods for music anyway” said my neighbor’s kid while avoiding eye contact and playing Angry Birds.