7 Things That Will Never Be Cool, Even if You Add an “i” in Front of Them.

So a few years back, the way to make a product cool was to use the term HD.  BluBlockers became HD Vision.  Then it went to 3D.  Even Crest has a 3D toothpaste, (isn’t all toothpaste 3D? I never brushed with the 2 dimensional picture on the box.)  However the trend that has stuck in the last few years is to put an “i” in front of your name, and now you are a kitschy new product!

Despite the success some have had with this, I would like to submit a list of 7 thing adding an “i” in front of will never make cool.

1) iSandusky- (Yes, I’m comin’ out of the gate hard.)  Come on. Really.  You admit readily to hugging boys in the shower and like touching their legs and you’re not a pedophile?  If anyone needs a Goodfellas style baseball bat beating it’s this guy.  He will have an “i” in front of his name soon.  The “i” is for “inmate”.

2) iPocket Protector- I don’t care if it has a built in dock to charge your iPhone and sync it to video projection glasses with personal headphones and phsycho-acoustic surround sound.  I’m not buying it, the legacy is just too strong, even with an “i” prefix.

3) iGrape Nuts- Sorry Post!  Even Honey Bunches of Oats is cooler than Grape Nuts.  Any cereal that becomes the staple of people over 80 is probably not going to achieve an X-Games Era following.  Overheard- Anytime I think about eating Grape Nuts I go take a bite out of a pine cone instead.  “i” don’t think so.

4) iDepends- No explanation necessary.  I wonder though if Depends will follow Huggies lead though and start making fashion prints.  Nothing is cooler than an old guy at the pool wearing nothing but a faux corduroy print adult diaper. “i” am sick now.

5) iAmish Beard-  If you are going to have facial hair, let’s please include the mustache.  Going without is a bit strange, like the guy who shaves his arms, legs, and chest and then leaves a forest at his belly button, (yes, I have issues).  A beard without a mustache is just ugly, someone shot Lincoln for that I think. . .

6) iAccordian- Even squeezing the large bladder of a bagpipe under your arm while squinting and blowing into an unnaturally long wind pipe has more appeal than playing one of these.  Again add an LCD screen and some beatbox MP3s to jam to on this bad boy, and you are still a far cry from having an instrument worth people crushing each other to see you play.  I think a miniature Casio Keyboard and an Oven Bellows hooked up one night to produce this monstrosity.

7) iBlackBerry- OK so this is a personal vendetta.  Just because Blackberry and Apple are both named after fruits doesn’t mean they have anything, ANYTHING, in common.  RIMs theme song is Snoop’s Drop It Like Its Hot.  I have a BlackBerry Bold, and the only thing Bold about it is the price tag.  “i” need a smart phone.


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